When the universe was giving out gifts as I I was being born she did not bestow great beauty. Never was I going to be the face which launched a thousand ships. But she did give me an unusual capacity to grow from experience, good and bad.
Recently, over a timeframe of a few years I had been able to leverage that gift. Long story short, finally I was going to accept my dark side. That was being drawn to people and places where I hadn't belonged. Through that force-fit, I positioned and packaged myself for everything from being misunderstood to being tormented. Way back in the mid 1970s, a medical doctor in an emergency room of a Greensburg, Pennsylvania hospital flagged me on that.
I had trudged in mid-anxiety attack. Then state senator James R. Kelley, now a judge, had fired me. Emotionally, it didn't help me that he has also fired the guy who had held the job before me.
How did I take the wrong turn in the road? My career stuck after graduate school, I had bounced back to Greensburg, where I had unhappily attended Seton Hill College. Through contacts there I landed a job with Kelley. From the get-go, including matriculating four years at Seton Hill, that represented being where I didn't belong. With gentleness, the doctor explained to me that mine was going to be the road less traveled. I had to invest more energy than more conventional people to find my path.
That wisdom finally took after I again showed up where I didn't belong. It was on Facebook, with four former Seton Hill classmates. They are Kathy Huebner, Lee Harrison, Irene Nunn and Charlotte Toal. We had little in common. How did I get into that pickle? Essentially, aging had unhinged me. I reached back into the past for a platform of stability. LOL.
They were not the folks to whom I should have been bearing my soul. They are likely wonderful human beings. But the fit was so off and the pain of that so great that I had to, yes, grow. Maybe the more accurate term was "grow up." That I define as a bundling of self-awareness and self-acceptance.
I pulled the plug on Facebook. Never again have I communicated with them. And, never again have I wandered into and then stayed where I don't fit. Surprisingly, that gestalt has opened up my life and my communications boutique to amazing blessings.
Takeaway: Anxiety attacks are powerful signals that something is very off. Ignore them and continue to suffer.