Over-50

Kathleen Huebner - Did I Exit Tucson Because Past Bit Me in the Butt?

On December 15th or 16th, I will resuming a journey I started in April 2014. I have no idea where it will wind up this time. Had I recognized how uncertain life is (and that at its core it's an existential tragedy) I might have remained in Tucson, Arizona.

With my four-legged son LOV, that overcast April day I headed out on I-95 west, from Connecticut. Over was one phase of my career - the part going into Manhattan to pitch for business for my two boutiques - communications and coaching. Technology made it possible and more profitable to do all that remotely. Also, there had been too much past in CT.

Ironically, there was too much past also in AZ. It reached all the way back to the confused four years (1963 -1967) in a college which had been a bad fit for me.

Former classmate Kathleen Huebner had semiretired there in the Tucson Metro area.  It seemed to make sense to consider her a lucky part of my new network. Mistake. Actually, for me, the relationship had been a nightmare. The past bit me in the butt in ways I hadn't expected. What shook me to the core was that I hadn't seen that coming. 

After 27 months in Tucson, I hightailed it out. That was despite that my business had done well. The lower cost of living made it possible to pay off debt. The rescue dog became relaxed. I had lost weight. Several other relationships had been working out. 

On December 20th, I sign a lease in Sierra Vista, AZ. It's about an hour south from the Tucson Metro Area. When in AZ, I had visited Sierra Vista several times and fell in love with its funky ethos. It was more me.  There was no Huebnerness.

Will this time I stay put this time? I have no answers. Not even hunches. Humbled by how the past can gnaw into the boundaries of the present, I keep repeating the zen mantra: Clear thinking, don't know.    

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Abrupt Change of Plans and an Unwise Financial Decision - So?

Yes, I had already put down the security deposit on a one-bedroom apartment about 10 miles from the "scene of the crime" here in Toledo, Ohio.

The location was a crime scene - metaphorically - because from the get-go more than the average number of things went very wrong.

I was set. Right. On December 28th I could move in. That would be more cost-effective than going with my dream: relocating back to Southwestern Arizona. The reality was that the five years I had been living in OH represented a time of coping - sometimes just barely. Not enjoying life.

The tipping point on the decision to stay rather than leave came when I called around for estimates to move my furniture. No, Plan A was not going to be cost-effective. The furniture wasn't even worth what the vendors proposed. 

I returned to the drawing board. Could I really parachute into Plan B? That is, circling back to the Paradise of the desert.

On the internet I found an affordable apartment in off-beat Sierra Vista, AZ. It had been a mining town near the border of Mexico. In the middle of it is a military base. Weird little businesses have sprung up around the town, mostly to accomodate tourists going underground to visit the old mines.

Yes, I could lock in the entire apartment rental online. 

The drive would be four days, with motels at night.

Shipping my furniture would have cost a king's ransom. So, okay, I have to approach the move as a startup in life, investing in furniture again.

The apartment at which I put a deposit indicated it would only return $100. 

No, the decision, made abruptly, wouldn't be at all financially smart.

So?

Sometimes watching every hundreds of dollars or even thousands can doom us to unnecessary unhappiness.

On December 16th, my four-legged son LOV and I pull out of Toledo. AAA mapped out the southern route. 

And, tomorrow, the local psychic is picking up my furniture to donate to the needy he knows.

That will be sad.

The one thing which went right in OH had been the merchandise I bought, including the bicycle I loved. Only years of Buddhist training on non-attachment has gotten me to the point that I can let go of that. I hope the bicycle brings joy to whomever will be its next traveler.

What are "they" - the busybodies who watch others' lives - saying about my (sudden) change of plans? Age has given me the gift of not-caring, at least not very much.

Christmas Day? I will spend it with a friend I had left behind in Tucson, AZ five years ago. 

Takeaway: Go with intuition, not with what is supposedly a smart financial decision. Embracing the dream doesn't have to make any financial sense. 

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