I felt I had been kicked by a horse.
Twice, in fact.
That sums up my 2 encounters of the unexpected kind with search firm Heidrick & Struggles. Here are the details, for readers wanting to find out more.
As the months went by, I couldn't shake the trauma.
Yes, I was stuck.
Even though the 2 antidepressants I had been prescribed afterward have been kicking in, the flashbacks continue. The apparent smugness enrages me.
The healthcare worker asked me if I wanted to "talk with" (that's how they put it nowadays) with a psychiatrist. "No" I answered.
I had a sense that I could manage this DIY.
NPR presented the therapeutic experience of a Millennial woman who had been raped at age 13. Because of shame, she kept that under wraps ("Law & Order SVU" provides many episodes with that plot line). However, beneath the floorboards the trauma was screaming louder and louder at her. Therefore, she was willing to try a modality focused on reducing the power of a stuckpoint.
Essentially a "stuckpoint" is an event which puts a chokehold on a human being because it is believed as true. But it isn't. The therapeutic intervention aims to lesson the power it has over us. Eliminate it? Probably that's not possible.
The process starts with writing down what we believed happened.
I penned:
One morning I sent an email to Heidrick & Struggles coaching division as a follow-up to lock in a time for a video interview for a contract coaching assignment. Earlier in the week those in the loop had set up 3 time choices and that's where it stood.
I assumed that this was the on-the-ball response. Yes, show that you are REALLY interested by eagerness to move along to the next step.
Out of nowhere (at least in any reasonable scenario of expectations) a partner (why the hell was a partner communicating with someone pitching for a gig assignment) chastised me.
I felt kicked by a horse. In the head. Everything swirled around. To stop the swirling, I sent an email back indicating I was withdrawing my application for an assignment.
2 anxiety attacks later I notified Heidrick & Struggles' departments of law and human resources about what had gone down in email. A former corporate ghostwriter, I also left a description of the event with the chief executive officer.
The horse galloped by again. Another kick. A lawyer in Hedrick & Struggles legal sent a disembodied email to me. Yet, aren't lawyers trained somewhere along the line to use the tone and content of persuasion. Nonono, I haven't been the same since then.
Next was the exercise of analyzing what the facts really were. That is, pivot from the hardened memory back to the actual event.
After plenty of tries, what I arrived at this:
An old-line company snapped at me. With no reason. I had done nothing wrong. Then legal leveraged old-line talk-like-a-lawyer to have me go away.
How do I feel now?
Here I write:
I had done nothing wrong. A potential vendor, the ball was in my court to follow up. Yes, I will continue with my mission to tell my story of what shouldn't have occurred in a routine communication with Heidrick & Struggles. Others who are treated likewise shouldn't have to suffer as I did.
The stuckpoint, which had hardened into a boulder, is reduced in size. The conventional wisdom is that I should be able to transform this negative into a platform for growth. That may or may happen in the future. Right now I am grateful to feel somewhat better. My gallows humor (I come from a funny family) is that life is about pain and when it passes (temporarily) that's what joy consists of.
Meanwhile, the revenue for my two boutiques shrunk as I was downright stuck. Shame replaced feeling good about myself. Self-doubt gnawed at my self-confidence. Questions preoccupied me as to why any business would behave like that in this era when Emotional Intelligence is how success is happening.
Reflection: The burden is on those with the most power - that is, the folks who can hire us for work - to be human in these difficult times.
The Future is already underway. Ghostwriting/Marketing Communications and coaching on those issues. Sliding scale fees. Complimentary consultation (janegenova374@gmail.com)
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